Day Ten: Never Say Never (Part Five)Baby Conner let out a faint cry, then the NICU team swept him away to do what they could, they worked for 10-15 minutes then placed him in my arms. We loved him, oh how we loved him. He would occasionally lift an eyelid open, his breathing was slow and labored. We held him and we loved him, passing him around to his grandparents then back to me. There was nothing we could do except love him. A few minutes before midnight the nurse checked his vitals since I had not seen his little chest rise for a few minutes. He had passed on. We poured out so much love in the hour he was here on earth with us it could not be contained. Our Nurse took him, bathed him and then took photos. I couldn’t sleep, I just held his body all through the night, and couldn’t wait to leave the hospital. By about noon the next day we were discharged, the staff insisted I ride in a wheelchair to the car, and as we made our way to the car I held my little bundle of love. I wasn’t about to allow him to be taken to the morgue! My husband drove us home, I held Baby Conner, and tears streamed continuously. We all went to our farm where we decided to bury him up on the beautiful hill that over looked the vast landscape of God's beautiful creation. I held him for 2 whole days, close friends and family came to visit, our pastor came, we all just held his perfect little body. I held him when I tried to sleep, refusing to leave him. I was very aware his spirit was gone, yet his body was all I had to cherish for the short time we had left together. The funeral was held at my in-laws home January 18th, on my dad’s birthday. His tiny blue casket was empty. I could not bare to place him in it, not yet. I held him as we drove up the hill in a caravan of 4 wheel drive vehicles. It was so cold, the coldest January 18th on record. I held him until the last moment, the service had concluded, the temperatures on the hill were freezing. It was time to lay my perfectly wrapped little bundle in the casket. When I did his sisters then added stuffed animals and colored pages. At that time the casket was closed and lowered into the hole my husband had dug. Everything inside me screamed to stop. Stop and get my baby boy out of that box! Every moment of every day I longed for my son, I prayed that God would rapture us out of here so that I could be reunited with my baby. I thought of him every second, of every minute, of every day. Then several months later I went almost a day without him coming to mind. I felt so guilty for this, how could I forget my son! This gradually became the norm, after a few years I could go days, sometimes weeks without thinking of Conner. Without seeing him in my arms or smelling his tiny head covered in dark hair. Now, nearly 23 years later I still think of him. Every event I wonder what it would have been like for Conner. Every school program, party, dance, holiday, hunting season, college day. Would he have a girlfriend? Would he be in college? What would his career path be? Ultimately, I know I will never forget him and that my heart will always ache for him. But, as the years go on and time passes it gets a little easier to miss him without that feeling swallowing me whole. I think of him every year on his birthday, remembering that day as if it was yesterday. I feel the dull ache in my heart and continue on. As much as I wish I could change what happened I know that it was all a part of God's plan, whether I understand it or not. I also know that one day I will get to see my precious Conner again, because I learned a long time ago to never say never. -Anonymous The End
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Hunter FergusonHolding her Associates of Arts in Political Science, Implementing Beneficial Community Project, and having Led a Student Collaboration team at her college of attendance- Hunter chooses to blog about the world around her as well as her personal experiences in hopes of creating a Powerful group of like-minded people. Archives
July 2019
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