I say this every year and I will continue to stick by it. I absolutely do not believe in "New Years Resolutions". Using the word "resolution" implies that something is needing to be resolved, or was done incorrectly. It's really not fair to put that on ourselves. We are all really just going through life, trying to do the best we can. That being said, I think we can all agree that when the new year comes around it's the perfect time to reevaluate what doing our best really means and what exactly we want to be aiming our best intentions at. Thats why I like to instead make "goals" for myself in the new year. Basically, I take a look at things I know are coming up in the new year as well as things I would like to do/accomplish. Then, I sort of map out what getting to those points will be like and how I want to handle each of the milestones and/or road bumps along the way. Really I just try to take a more positive approach to the self improvement we all set out to do, yet so often fall short of, because when we mess up once it feels as if our entire plan has gone up in flames. Goals are different, instead of only looking at your endgame this is the time where it is essential to plan out multiple routes to your endgame. This way when you begin to struggle you've already anticipated it and you can navigate your new path and plan accordingly. So without further adieu... My List of 2019 Goals
Well, there you have it. My four main goals going into the new year. I would love to know some of the goals you have made for the new year. Let me know one of your New Years goals in the comments down below. XOXO, Hunter
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Welcome everyone to the last official Blog of 2018! This year I brought this blog back to life and I am so happy that I did. It's made such an impact in my life as I've discovered these posts have been resonating with so many people. It is still unbelievable to me that all of you actually read these words that I write. When those of you that do, come up to me and we talk about the blog and the things we have both realized through its posts upon posts I feel absolutely ecstatic. That is why Blogmas this year was so special. Because I was able to take the stories that were submitted and deliver them to the world. I know Christmas time seemed to many an odd time to share such sad stories but there was a reason I did it. Christmas time is such a difficult time for so many people that I wanted to offer a glimmer of hope for those that feel hopeless around the holidays. The stories that were shared during Blogmas, like all the other posts I do are meant to lift people when they are feeling low. The 12 days of Blogmas were all anonymous moments of heartbreak that allowed many of you out there to tell stories from your lives that you had never told anyone! I was simply to middle-(wo)man in your journey. A position I feel humbled to have held. All of this being said, 2018 was a great year for personal growth and I intend to take the lessons I've learned with me into the new year. 2019 is going to be a year of major changes. I will no longer be a teenager, which is extremely weird to me. I will also complete my associates degree, which is not a big deal to some and may seem like a small accomplishment but seeing as how less than 50% of people actually receive this degree I feel pretty good about it. After I complete my degree at the community college I attend, it's onward and up. I will be attending K-State University in Fall of 2019. Considering that I have never lived more than 30 minutes away from my family this is a move I am more than terrified to make. However, I know that this is an important milestone in my life. So, while it may not be easy I need to do it! I'm so happy I have this blog as a creative outlet and place to express all of the internal struggles I feel that I know many of you feel too. Through this blog we all share in the wisdom we have gathered and help each other through our painfully, directionless, and impassioned lives. XOXO, Hunter Day Twelve: The EndOver the past 12 days we have explored so many situations of heartbreak I think we need to recap. Our wonderful band of Wisdom Warriors were kind enough to send in stories about such a wide variety of topics that we all could take something away from. Stories ranged from molestation to daddy issues to infant loss and everything in-between. I feel so genuinely fortunate to have been trusted with their stories and delivering them to the world. Each and every story had the power to touch someones life. Every story was so unique that the amount of stories shared in these past 12 days had the potential to resonate with so many different people. To have typed these possibilities into existence makes me all the more happier to be creating these blogs. Going forward, in 2019, I will be implementing a new upload schedule to bring you Wisdom Warriors a much more predictable reading experience. Every week I will be uploading a blog on Tuesday and Thursday. The blogs will continue to go up in the morning between 8 and 10 a.m. I've been brainstorming so many new content ideas that I can't wait to put out for you guys! 2019 is going to be a great year for this blog and I cannot wait to see you guys there. Here's to the new year. See you all in 2019! Merry Christmas, Hunter Day Eleven: Relinquishing BondsFinding friends with whom you become so closely connected that they begin to see more like family is a just one benefit of opening yourself up to people and the world around you. However, losing these people can often be as painful as losing a loved one. Not "losing" as in, you know, them ceasing to live. Losing them in terms of no longer connecting the way you have in the past. Think in terms of constantly feeling like you give so much more of yourself and your time to your friend than they are ever willing to give to you. Being willing to drop everything for them in a crisis, meltdown, or heartbreak. Yet, when you need the same compassion they act inconvenienced. You find yourself having to go to them and practically beg them to let you vent it out. I understand that everyone has a different capacity for being sympathetic, but I also understand that others of us eventually reach our limits with what we are willing to take from those we consider to be friends. At some point for your own sake, you have to be willing to hit the eject button on whatever toxic relationship you have gotten yourself into. Be it romantic, friendly or otherwise. Any relationship should feel as if it is building upon who you are as a person. Making you better, more open, or more connected to that other person views and growing your personality by befriending someone who pushes you to do things you wouldn't do on your own. The moment it begins to take a mental toll, its time to say goodbye. -Anonymous Day Ten: Never Say Never (Part Five)Baby Conner let out a faint cry, then the NICU team swept him away to do what they could, they worked for 10-15 minutes then placed him in my arms. We loved him, oh how we loved him. He would occasionally lift an eyelid open, his breathing was slow and labored. We held him and we loved him, passing him around to his grandparents then back to me. There was nothing we could do except love him. A few minutes before midnight the nurse checked his vitals since I had not seen his little chest rise for a few minutes. He had passed on. We poured out so much love in the hour he was here on earth with us it could not be contained. Our Nurse took him, bathed him and then took photos. I couldn’t sleep, I just held his body all through the night, and couldn’t wait to leave the hospital. By about noon the next day we were discharged, the staff insisted I ride in a wheelchair to the car, and as we made our way to the car I held my little bundle of love. I wasn’t about to allow him to be taken to the morgue! My husband drove us home, I held Baby Conner, and tears streamed continuously. We all went to our farm where we decided to bury him up on the beautiful hill that over looked the vast landscape of God's beautiful creation. I held him for 2 whole days, close friends and family came to visit, our pastor came, we all just held his perfect little body. I held him when I tried to sleep, refusing to leave him. I was very aware his spirit was gone, yet his body was all I had to cherish for the short time we had left together. The funeral was held at my in-laws home January 18th, on my dad’s birthday. His tiny blue casket was empty. I could not bare to place him in it, not yet. I held him as we drove up the hill in a caravan of 4 wheel drive vehicles. It was so cold, the coldest January 18th on record. I held him until the last moment, the service had concluded, the temperatures on the hill were freezing. It was time to lay my perfectly wrapped little bundle in the casket. When I did his sisters then added stuffed animals and colored pages. At that time the casket was closed and lowered into the hole my husband had dug. Everything inside me screamed to stop. Stop and get my baby boy out of that box! Every moment of every day I longed for my son, I prayed that God would rapture us out of here so that I could be reunited with my baby. I thought of him every second, of every minute, of every day. Then several months later I went almost a day without him coming to mind. I felt so guilty for this, how could I forget my son! This gradually became the norm, after a few years I could go days, sometimes weeks without thinking of Conner. Without seeing him in my arms or smelling his tiny head covered in dark hair. Now, nearly 23 years later I still think of him. Every event I wonder what it would have been like for Conner. Every school program, party, dance, holiday, hunting season, college day. Would he have a girlfriend? Would he be in college? What would his career path be? Ultimately, I know I will never forget him and that my heart will always ache for him. But, as the years go on and time passes it gets a little easier to miss him without that feeling swallowing me whole. I think of him every year on his birthday, remembering that day as if it was yesterday. I feel the dull ache in my heart and continue on. As much as I wish I could change what happened I know that it was all a part of God's plan, whether I understand it or not. I also know that one day I will get to see my precious Conner again, because I learned a long time ago to never say never. -Anonymous The End Day Nine: Never Say Never (Part Four)At 36 weeks I was dilated to a 4, the doctor on call did not want to deliver where we had planned since my regular doctor was not there. They gave me a shot to stop the contractions and sent me by ambulance to a bigger hospital about 30 minutes away. During this time my mom began driving to Kansas. The shot I was given to stop my contractions worked extremely well. Once we arrived and settled in at the hospital my contractions did not begin again. Which meant the medical staff had to gave me Pitocin (better known as “fire water”) to get things rolling again. The baby had been breech since the first sonogram and had not changed positions, he couldn’t move because there was no fluid for him to float in. My entire family had arrived at the hospital throughout the day as we waited for contractions to return and labor to progress. At about 10:00 p.m. my mom arrived, and Baby Conner was born at 10:36 p.m. He came breech, meaning among other things that the doctor announced “it’s a boy” before he was fully delivered. -Anonymous To Be Continued (Tomorrow) Day Eight: Never Say Never (Part Three)The Specialist in Denver was more positive, he gave our baby a 10% chance of survival, saying that it was likely the baby would be stillborn but he saw no need to recommend an abortion. He said there was nothing we could do but to hope and pray. I would take any sliver hope I could get. Due to the fact that there was no embryonic fluid, they could not tell the sex in a sonogram. Although, somehow I knew he was a boy. January 16 I woke up and felt a little “funny”, I called my mom (who lived in CO) and she told me to call the doctor. So, I called and discovered that my doctor was out of town. Despite this I was advised to come in to check things out. - Anonymous To Be Continued...(Tomorrow) Day Seven: Never Say Never (Part Two)I called the Doctors office, they scheduled a time for me to come in, and he told me I needed to go to a specialist as there appeared to be a problem. I was referred to a neonatal specialist. She ran the wand over my belly, telling us what image represented what “part” of our baby: head, heart, etc. When she concluded the scan she stated very matter of factly: “I’m sorry, your baby is going to die” We were in disbelief…"what?" "This fetus has polycystic kidneys and cannot survive, I’m sorry” and she recommended I make an appointment with Dr. George Tiller (1 of 3 clinicians nationwide to preform late-term abortions) and abort my pregnancy. I immediately had to go to the bathroom, I felt like I was going to vomit, as if I’d been punched in the gut. I don’t even remember leaving. Reflecting back on that experience I was probably in shock. After that appointment I began to research and read all I could about polycystic kidneys, and discovered that Lomalinda Hospital in San Diego did kidney transplants for the condition. This led me to seek another opinion and ultimately fly to Denver to see another specialist. -Anonymous To Be Continued... (Tomorrow) Day Six: Never Say Never (Part One)Never say Never, really don’t challenge God or the Universe in that way. I watched a movie once about a mother who knew her child would die, the doctors did all they could and when she took her infant home she rocked her until she passed on. I told myself, “I could never live through that”, I told others “I could never loose a child”. Fast forward 10 years and two healthy daughters later, my husband and I longed for a son. My sister and I became pregnant at approximately the same time and a few weeks after we found out, I had a miscarriage. After the miscarriage, we were even more determined to have a boy, reading numerous “wives tales’ about how to ensure the sex of your upcoming pregnancy. It didn't take to long before I was expecting. We were so excited, hoping for a son. I asked the doctor, at each check-up when we could find out the sex (back then ultrasounds were not routine, there needed to be a “reason”) finally at 28 weeks he said “ok, you are measuring slightly small, let’s schedule a sonogram and take a look”. I was so excited! I took both of my daughters with me so they could see what the gender of their new sibling would be. A few minutes into the sonogram I was commenting & asking questions…"can you tell if it’s a boy?", "Is that the heart?", "Look at those hands and feet". The technician seemed annoyed, the more questions I asked the more vague she became, only telling me that she was taking measurements. She concluded with “we’re all done” and I expressed I really wanted to know the sex, she said “I think it’s best if you talk with your doctor first”. I knew immediately something was up. -Anonymous To Be Continued...(Tomorrow) Day Five: Progression in CrisisA few years ago, as my relationship was just beginning to bloom, the unthinkable happened. My boyfriends best friend passed away unexpectedly. We were as new to each other as we were young. In a situation like ours it was very hard for me to know what to do, and what to say. More so than in the usual way after these sort of events transpire. I felt as if I couldn’t do anything to make it better for him. In some ways I feel like it was that period of our relationship that bonded us the most. It was like the ultimate communication exercise. I had to, I mean really had to be willing to listen to what he needed. While at the same time he had to be willing to express to me what that was. On the alternate end of the spectrum this was also a very challenging period for me personally. I put so much pressure on myself. I thought that if I could make him happy in the midst of all the pain he was experiencing then that was how I would be able to make myself happy. I just kept seeing all of this heartbreak around me and I sort of took it all upon myself to fix. Very exhausting and very unrealistic I might add. Still, there are certain times when all of this rises to the surface again. When he has nightmares, all I can do is be there and hold him. It kills me to know that as much as I want to, I can’t do a damn thing. This whole experience has taught me and continues to teach me that just because I can’t do anything physically I can help build someone mentally, though he still has nightmares they are fewer and farther between. Putting all of that pressure on myself wasn't helping me and in reality it wasn't helping him. Once I let go of my need to control his grief we were both better for it. -Anonymous |
Hunter FergusonHolding her Associates of Arts in Political Science, Implementing Beneficial Community Project, and having Led a Student Collaboration team at her college of attendance- Hunter chooses to blog about the world around her as well as her personal experiences in hopes of creating a Powerful group of like-minded people. Archives
July 2019
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