Greetings people of the internet! As I sit down to write this blog having consumed copious amounts of coffee, I realize that this may turn into a very wordy, very philosophical jumble of words taking over your screens- and I couldn't be more excited. Talking about something like self-confidence can turn into a boring- I've heard that all before type of topic- and yet as I type this, coffee in hand I know that this will be anything but. I recently had a conversation with someone, and it brought me to the conclusion that we all are made up of different versions of ourselves. I know, it sounds crazy, but hear me out. We all walk through life and take in experiences that make us who we are. Then, we hold the different versions of ourselves, built from our experiences and only let certain ones out whenever we choose to. For instance- in my everyday life I feel as if I'm made up of two different people- the logical, analytical, and extremely self-confident Hunter in one part of myself and the anxiety-ridden, fearful, self-doubting Hunter in another. Neither of which likes the other and that leads to many internal conflicts. These are just the versions I have in me, but I believe we all have our variations of this. If you agree- try to take notice of when which version of yourself comes out. When you look at it retrospectively, it can get trippy! My favorite version of me is, as you would expect- the self-confident one. I've noticed that when I'm at school or work that's when this version of me is at her strongest. I strap on my game face and give my all to whatever I'm doing. It's like the self-confidence is radiating through my veins to project this mask onto those around me so that they don't see the other versions of me I have tucked away. Probably not the best way to live- but I bet more of you can relate than we would all like to admit. So, where am I going with all of this? Self Confidence is like this miracle drug that enables us to get to a completely different level in life than we ever thought possible. Imagine a world where self-doubt didn't exist, and all anybody did was whatever they could dream up. Would we still have wars, or famine, or incurable disease? Would we have breathtaking architecture, eco-friendly cars, or maybe even floating houses? I say that we should all strive to be that Self Confident, driven, force to be reckoned with a version of us in all situations and see what kind of change we can bring the world. XOXO, Hunter
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Recently I've been trying to decide on the niche of this blog. I knew that there had to be a phrase somewhere out in the universe that exemplifies what we do here. I mean this blog isn't just one thing which is what's great about it. We talk about anxiety, organization, share stories, and sometimes just vent about the world. Truly this blog is just a platform for sharing the life overload we all feel sometimes. Yet I did it, I found the phrase that is the niche of this platform- Self Care. Self Care is so much more than personal hygiene; it's how we care for ourselves both physically and mentally. Anything that someone does to make themselves feel better falls under this category. The idea of Self Care is as wide and deep as we choose to make it. On this blog, we take it and run in every direction possible. We all have so much to offer the world, and I strive to make this blog as inspirational, healing, or just as entertaining as possible to help people achieve their potential. Are you with me? Comment Below: What is one dream you have for yourself? I can't wait to hear. XOXO, Hunter So, in case you missed it yesterday (Monday, April 22nd) was Earth Day. Through the rose-colored lenses afforded to us by social media we saw what almost resembled a cohesive unity in our world was, WRONG. I say this because there are still an increasing amount of cleanup efforts needed. One day a year isn't enough to make the significant change we need to see. It is, however, an excellent place to start. Environmental cleanup is essential, but it isn't the one means of helping our planet. For instance, are you aware that the Earth’s environment functions as an interdependent system? Plants, animals, and humans depend upon one another for survival, and each person plays a unique role in the future of all life on this planet (https://www.isfoundation.com/environment). That means every product you use, every tree that is cut down, every person working for less than they are worth, is terrible for the environment. So, how do we help? I personally have put in great effort to become a more consciences consumer. For me- cosmetic products as well as products I use in my hair or on my skin I only purchase-- Vegan, Cruelty-Free items. YOU HAVE TO CHECK THIS. Just because a product is PETA certified doesn't mean it is cruelty-free. For Instance, if a product has the PETA seal on it and is sold in China, it is NOT cruelty-free. How do I know this, because China requires ANY product sold in their country to be animal tested. To check for what products are genuinely cruelty-free, I use a few different sources.
This is a pro-tip when shopping cruelty-free -- Never assume a brand is cruelty-free! Another way we can benefit our environment is to limit the amount of chemically based products we use. Because once we use them the chemicals inside are introduced to the environment and once their containers are disposed of the chemical traces still can cause harm to our environment. Want to know just how harmful the products you are using are? Check out the EWG app- You can scan your products and receive a rating of just how harmful they are for you and our environment. Environment aside let me leave you with this. Your body is covered in the skin- Skin is your largest organ. The rate at which your skin can absorb products into your bloodstream in as little as 26 seconds. Knowing what you're putting on your skin could drastically decrease the likelihood of made illnesses from things like eczema all the way up the diseases like cancer. XOXO, Hunter Top 15 Summer Playlist
We, Too
We, too, sing America. We are the bright sisters. They hire us to do the same job as men As they pay us a fractional percent But we stay And we learn And we work Someday, We will be equal When judgement comes It will be them Who is viewed In a negative light When. No matter, They’ll see how much We are worth We, too, are America. Following my being prescribed an addictive drug to treat my very new anxiety symptoms I began to feel increasingly anxious. I vividly remember the car ride home from the doctor's office. I was infuriated with the way I was treated and spoken to. My mom left the parking lot as I declared to her I would NEVER be returning to that medical practice. We went to the Walmart pharmacy to have the prescription filled and got troubling glances from the pharmacist for our entire wait. After being handed a bottle full of pills that could have drastically altered my life my mother drove me home. I couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right with the medication I was given. However, with the anxiety, I was feeling I couldn't quite wrap my head around which of my emotions were valid and which were not. My mom kept trying to convince me that it was okay to take Xanax. She said that it was the same medicine my Grandad was given for his anxiety. I knew this, I'd heard it throughout our entire car ride and yet something inside of me was telling me not to take it. I knew that people buy Xanax for recreational drug use and that they become addicted to it. So, there I sat on my grandparents' floor battling what my mind was telling me and what the outside world was telling me. I took my medication under extreme protest. What else was I supposed to do? I had gotten worked into a complete emotional frenzy, and after taking medicine I knew I did something terrible. I fell to the floor in sobbing hysterics and rocked back and forth clutching my knees to my chest. Everyone around me had absolutely no idea what to do. I ended up demanding my mother call the doctor the oversaw the nurse practitioner that prescribed me Xanax. I was absolutely confident I had just taken something that was going to kill me. He didn't answer and never even called back. During my session of tears, hysteria, and hyperventilation I knew I needed to go to the emergency room. After all, I could feel my heartbeat in my eyeballs. So, we loaded up in the car once again and made a trip to the local emergency room. To be continued... The second day in CNA class was the worst experience. I spent the entire six hours rocking back and forth laying my head down being all but certain I was either going to pass out or throw up. I devised this system in my head to get myself to not focus on the fact that I felt like I was going to fall unconscious because I realized when I thought about it, I felt much worse. So, I sat in the dark as everyone watched videos with my eyes closed, legs bouncing as if they were being electrocuted, and singing song lyrics in my head. When the song was over, I would check in with myself and see if I was still freaking out. Ultimately, I changed it up and sang the ABC's to my self because I could never remember all the song lyrics. I spent the car ride home with my friend hanging my head out the window and letting the cool breeze meet my face. I thought this would help my nausea because it usually helped when I was car sick. Only this time it didn't and by the time I made it home I was feeling utterly miserable. At least until I stepped out of the car on to my driveway and everything I'd been feeling all night went away. I was so confused, up to this point I was sure I had some awful strain of the flu, but that theory wasn't making sense anymore. The following day was the day we were supposed to take an abbreviations quiz, and I finally opted out because all I could do was lay on the couch and battle with myself not to cry tears of utter confusion as I felt just as bad as I had in class. It wasn't until this that I finally told someone how I was feeling. I explained how it felt like all of those times I had panicked about tornadoes only now I couldn't seem to get it to go away. After many tears and trying to accept the fact that something might be mentally wrong a doctors appointment was made. My mom took me to the doctor I had been going to my entire life. On our way to the office, I learned that anxiety is something my family struggles with and that my mom believed I had. Explaining all of this to the nurse practitioner made me feel even more awful than I had. She was looking at me like I was crazy and saying things that were neither sympathetic nor professional. In reality, I felt as if she didn't even want to waste her medical prowess of this insignificant issue. So, she prescribed me Xanax and sent little 15 year old me on my way. Now, it gets interesting... To be Continued... Before I get into this intensely personal story, I want to preface this by saying-- My Anxiety Journey IS NOT over. I don't have it all figured out, and I continue to struggle. Despite this, I want to share my story, up to this point so if anyone out there is looking for encouragement or confirmation that they are not the only one going through these types of struggles something out there is comforting for them to see.
Here we go... I feel like it's necessary to point out that before I discovered my anxiety, I had had panic attacks. Panic attacks and anxiety are not the same things. Panic attacks are the all-consuming feeling of fear and terror in a single moment. Anxiety is this same feelings for hours, days, or longer. I have a deep fear of storms so you can imagine how I, a Kansas girl, can feel in the springtime. It didn't take much more than a Severe Thunderstorm Warning or Tornado Watch to send this girl into a full-fledged state of panic. We're talking shaking, crying, and hyperventilating. So, by the time having anxiety was even a thought in my head I had become extremely familiar with at least one aspect of it. The first time I became truly aware of the fact that something within myself had changed was in the middle of my sophomore year of high school. I was 15 years old, kicking butt at school and had just begun taking a CNA course through the local community college. Bookwork was a breeze in this hybrid course and then came time to meet in class and schedule our clinical rotations. The first meeting was very long, about 6 hours I believe. I rode over with a friend who was also taking the class, and it was all downhill from there. We arrived at the class and immediately began watching training videos. All of a sudden I started to feel my heart beating faster than normal which of course me not knowing the symptoms of anxiety lead to my internal panic. Lightheadedness and the feeling of nausea followed the panic, and the fight or flight meter in my body became heavily weighted toward flight. The trouble was that if you didn't complete a scheduled class day you couldn't finish the course. So, I had no choice but to power through. After the training videos, we left the classroom to head over to the model facility to practice moving patients, bathing them, and making the beds properly. 20+ students packed into a seemingly unventilated room that couldn't have been more than the size of any given patient room. We were packed in shoulder to shoulder and given that it was in October we were all bundled up and standing in a heated room. Suddenly I was overtaken by dizziness and the heat in the room. I felt like someone had lit my insides on fire. So I positioned myself at the back of the group being afraid I was going to pass out. Of course, then I began to run through my mental pass out prevention checklist. First, bend your knees next, wiggle your toes and finally, take deep breathes. None of this was working, and I was beginning to fade. Then, in the middle of the instructors' directions I raised my hand- not waiting for a response I abruptly blurted out "can I go to the bathroom." Following my question the understandable answer of "no" I said I felt like I was going to pass out and just left the room. The moment I stepped out of the room I experienced a momentary surge of relief. I paced the hall and went to get a drink, but the feeling returned. I told the instructor when she came out that I was claustrophobic and being in a room like that was too much. She understood, and we all went back to the classroom to practice with the gate belts and taking vitals. That was the first of two utterly miserable classroom days. To be Continued... My birthday was just this past Monday, and as I became another year older, I started to reflect on my life up to this point. As a child, I was pretty Melancholy, and as a teenager, I was very anxiety ridden. This is not all to say I haven't had a beautiful life, because I have. This is just me hoping and praying that my 20's offer some kind of enlightenment that I haven't yet found. That being said, if there was a time machine to send a letter back in time to a younger me I would use it. Although me being the skeptical person that I am, if I were to receive a message from myself saying it was from the future, odds are I wouldn't believe it. So, maybe I would have to jump through the time machine to, that way she (the younger me) would actually heed my advice. But, if past Hunter was actually to believe the letter this is what I would say to her: Dear Hunter of the Past, The year now is 2019, and I just turned 20 years old. Up until now, we have lived through a lot. It has affected us a great deal and continues to shape who we are and how we act. It has made us more resilient and hardworking than people give us credit for. We use that determinative drive to do things we love. Like blogging, writing, and helping others wherever we can. Most of all it has given us an intense definition of what is right and what is wrong. Which makes us a little judgmental I'm not gonna lie. However, our strong moral compass always leads us back to the land of level headed, kind heartedness, even if you feel a little lost. As you grow up, your opinions, thoughts, and feelings will change, and that is 100% okay. If you never changed that would be cause for concern. But, I'm not concerned about you, because I know exactly who you will grow up to be. Trust me, when you meet her, you will look back the same way I am now and be amazed at the things you've accomplished. Looking back all I see is our life in this intense feeling of fast forward motion. Everything happened so fast even if in the moment it felt like we were taking an eternity to grow up. One thing I can say for sure looking both back and forward at our life is that we really need to learn to accept things as they are and stop blaming the world for the hands we are dealt. If you could discover that, whenever it is that you are reading this, that would really help me now. As it stands, above all of the things I wish to tell you Younger Me, is not to let other people decide who you should be or who you are. It is so easy to listen to the hateful words of others and let them into your heart, but you are stronger than that. You have a heart that can change the world, but remember when the whole world feels like a challenge you can change one single person whole lot easier than you might realize. With one kind word, one small action or gesture because not everything has to be as trivial as we make it. Twenty years in and I by no means have it all figured out, but I do think I've learned a few things that are important to share. The thing is, I know what you think and how you feel Younger Me. I know most of what I've told you here you already know. You just need to learn to listen to that voice inside your head Younger Me because I would steer you wrong. Fight through the anxiety and fight through the fear and know that you will be okay. You will survive because Younger Me, you have a purpose. XOXO, Hunter of 2019 Daddy Issues//
Do all father like to spend their days fishing and drinking themselves into a haze mine truly did when I was a kid “sorry I’m busy, stay with your mom instead,” he said these words cut like a dagger to my heart as they began to tear our relationship apart Growing up I often got to see Everyone having a dad but me I watched him stumble and watched him fall Now I can’t even answer when he calls He put his addiction first and I pray to out run his dreadful curse he left me behind Often still searching for the father I hoped to find But I’ll never find my answer with him Because with an alcoholic father a girl can never win. XOXO, Hunter |
Hunter FergusonHolding her Associates of Arts in Political Science, Implementing Beneficial Community Project, and having Led a Student Collaboration team at her college of attendance- Hunter chooses to blog about the world around her as well as her personal experiences in hopes of creating a Powerful group of like-minded people. Archives
July 2019
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